Transformation through Butoh: A part of day 1

I know why I love and hate butoh.  I love it for the transformational experience, and I hate it for the transformational experience.  It's truly amazing what can happen when you put yourself in uncomfortable situations and experiences.  For instance, in the practice of yoga, there's a purpose for putting the body into these awkward, (sometimes) uncomfortable shapes.  If you keep up with the practice, you can learn to integrate it into your daily life.  You can begin to soften when a difficult or painful event/situation/person arises.

That's exactly what I did in butoh teacher, Vangeline's workshop in NYC.  We began by walking in the space quickly, making eye contact with other participants.  Then we slowed it down. More and more and more. Until, we had a partner in a dead, eye lock.  That's it.  Just eye contact.  How uncomfortable is that?!  For many, yes!  It's funny what goes through your head and what you feel in your body.  The purpose of the exercise was to simply be in your body, while sharing space and energy with another.  Something we humans do all the time, but not always acknowledge it.  Emotions come up, and instead of supporting each other, we either walk away or disregard.  This is the juicy part about this work.  Allowing ourselves, each other, to be in the uncomfortable, together. 

My partner and I had quite an experience, as every other diad in the room.  As Vangeline instructed us to stand in a horse-like stance (high wide squat position), I could feel "the burn" kicking in. I was so happy I was in pretty good shape to hold it for so long, but boy did I feel it!  We began to mirror each other's movement, while in this stance.  Vangeline had us continue this for a total of two hours.  She would talk about how being in the uncomfortable can help us release old patterns or ways of being from ourselves, others, family, etc.  This took me back to my Holistic Health and Massage training days at the World School!  Of course, she would mention this throughout the process and it would stike chords in all of us. Some more intense than others. 

As I gazed into my partner's eyes, we began to make our way onto the floor in an upright, seated position, relying strictly on our ab muscles for support.  I could feel myself constrict and constrict just to hold the position. Then I allowed my body to soften a little, and it was at that moment, I began to weep.  I didn't know why.  Maybe it was the music; something Vangeline said; or the energy exchange between me and my partner, but I felt this release in my heart center and solar plexus (abdominal area).  It felt like old sadness and grief that I had been holding onto for a long time.  I could feel it rush out through my fingers, legs and toes.  I held my partner's gaze and she held mine.  I felt supported and safe.  Something we not always feel when we need to just let it out!

Later on, I realized how much I still judge myself  for feeling x, y and/or z.  Although, I have lots of support around me to acknowledge the uncomfortable feelings, I don't always allow it to be present; then store it somewhere in my body unconsciously.

This is why I LOVE butoh.  It helps me cleanse my whole being, while I share my present moment experience with myself and others.  For instance, when I perform on stage, I look out to the audience for that support to allow the transmission to happen, while still taking care of myself through the process. 

I guess the hate part can be that it really forces you to be present and confront yourself.  But I have to put this into the "love" part too because what a gift to be able to be witnessed, supported, and acknowledged at your most human moment ever.

I could go on and on with this.  But I know for those who have done butoh, know what I'm saying.  Even those who have witnessed may know what I'm saying at least a little bit because it has reached you in some way. 

There really are no words for it.  Just feelings, images, and movement.